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A Stupid President Saves Us From A Smart Warmonger


WELCOME, ONE AND ALL. TO “THE LATE SHOW.” I’M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. AND I HAVE NEVER, EVER– I HAVE
NEVER BEEN MORE GRATEFUL FOR THE PRESIDENT’S PETTINESS AND
STUPIDITY.( LAUGHTER )
BECAUSE TODAY HE WAS STUPIDLY PETTY ENOUGH TO SAVE US FROM A
VERY SMART WARMONGER. I’M TALKING ABOUT NATIONAL
SECURITY ADVISER AND LAST WALRUS ON THE BEACH WITHOUT A MATE,
JOHN BOLTON.( LAUGHTER )
TODAY, WITH NO PUBLIC PREAMBLE, THE PRESIDENT TWEETED, “I
INFORMED JOHN BOLTON LAST NIGHT THAT HIS SERVICES ARE NO LONGER
NEEDED AT THE WHITE HOUSE.”( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
AND ANOTHER– ANOTHER GOODBYE! ANOTHER TRUMPLING BITES THE
DIMPLING OF DIRT.( LAUGHTER )
TRUMP GOES THROUGH STAFFERS LIKE A HIGH 17-YEAR-OLD GOES THROUGH
LITTLE DEBBIE SWISS ROLLS. WE KNEW THERE WAS BOUND TO BE
CONFLICT BETWEEN THESE TWO GUYS LIKE TWO RAMS BUTTING HEADS. IT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN
EVENTUALLY BECAUSE TRUMP WAS VERY DOWN ON OUR MIDDLE EASTERN
WARS, WHEREAS BOLTON HAS NEVER SEEN A PATCH OF SAND HE DIDN’T
WANT TO MAKE GLOW. IN FACT, TRUMP HAS LONG
COMPLAINED PRIVATELY THAT MR. BOLTON WAS TOO WILLING TO
GET THE UNITED STATES INTO ANOTHER WAR, WITH TRUMP SAYING
BEHIND THE SCENES, “IF IT WAS UP TO JOHN, WE’D BE IN FOUR WARS
NOW.”( LAUGHTER )
AND I’M ALREADY IN SO MANY WARS: TRADE WAR. CUPCAKE WAR. I’M IN A FLAME WAR WITH CHRISSY
TIEGEN, AND WORLD WAR II, WHAT IF THE
NAZIS HAD WON?” PLUS, BACK IN MAY, TRUMP SAID
THIS:>>JOHN IS A– HE HAS STRONG
VIEWS ON THINGS, BUT THAT’S OKAY. I ACTUALLY TEMPER JOHN, WHICH
IS PRETTY AMAZING, ISN’T IT? NOBODY THOUGHT THAT WAS GOING TO
HAP– I’M THE ONE THAT TEMPERS HIM.”>>Stephen: SO, DONALD TRUMP IS
THE VOICE OF REASON?( LAUGHTER )
(AS TRUMP) “JOHN, JOHN. YOU’RE TALKING CRAZY, OKAY? NOW, CAN WE PLEASE GET BACK TO
DISCUSSING WINDMILL CANCER.” TRUMP CONCLUDED, “AND,
THEREFORE– DOT, DOT, DOT, DOT, DOT, DOT, DOT, DOT– I ASKED
JOHN FOR HIS RESIGNATION, WHICH WAS GIVEN TO ME THIS MORNING.” OKAY, THE PRESIDENT IS MAKING A
SIMPLE STATEMENT OF FACT, SO IT’S PROBABLY A LIE.( LAUGHTER )
BECAUSE 12 MINUTES AFTER TRUMP’S ANNOUNCEMENT, BOLTON TWEETED,
“I OFFERED TO RESIGN LAST NIGHT, AND PRESIDENT TRUMP SAID, ‘LET’S
TALK ABOUT IT TOMORROW.'”( LAUGHTER )
OH, JOHN! “YES, JOHN, WE’LL TALK TOMORROW. NOW, I WANT YOU TO LOOK INTO THE
DISTANCE WHILE I TELL YOU ABOUT RABBITS.”( LAUGHTER )
STEINBECK REFERENCE. THE ANNOUNCEMENT WAS A COMPLETE
SURPRISE, ESPECIALLY SINCE THE TWEET CAME ABOUT 90 MINUTES
BEFORE BOLTON WAS EXPECTED TO APPEAR AT A PRESS BRIEFING WITH
SECRETARY OF STATE MIKE POMPEO AND TREASURY SECRETARY STEVEN
MNUCHIN. OH, NO. YOU LEFT THE ‘NUCH HANGING?( LAUGHTER )
(AS MNUCHIN) “I’M SORRY JOHN BOLTON COULDN’T
BE HERE. JOHN BOLTON COULDN’T BE HERE
TODAY. INSTEAD, THE ROLE OF NATIONAL
SECURITY ADVISOR WILL BE FILLED BY THIS TASK RABBIT I HIRED. FOR TEN BUCKS AN HOUR, HE GIVES
NATIONAL SECURITY ADVICE AND ASSEMBLES IKEA FURNITURE AND
TELLS US WHO TO BOMB.” BACK IN MARCH OF 2018, BOLTON
ALMOST WASN’T HIRED IN THE FIRST PLACE. APPARENTLY, MR. TRUMP HESITATED,
IN PART BECAUSE OF HIS NEGATIVE REACTION TO MR. BOLTON’S
WALRUS-STYLE MUSTACHE. IRONICALLY, WHILE BOLTON IS
LEAVING, THE MUSTACHE IS STAYING ON AS STEPHEN MILLER’S NEW
HAIRPIECE.( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
IT’S YOUTHIFYING. TRUMP PROMISED, “I WILL BE
NAMING A NEW NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISOR NEXT WEEK.” WHO WILL IT BE? WELL, WE KNOW TRUMP PICKED
BOLTON BECAUSE HE SAW HIM ON FOX NEWS. SO GET READY FOR NATIONAL
SECURITY ADVISER, MY PILLOW GUY.( LAUGHTER )
AND AS HE THOUGHT ABOUT DUMPING HIS CURRENT NATIONAL SECURITY
ADVISOR, TRUMP STARTED REMINISCING ABOUT HIS EX: FORMER
NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISOR H.R. McMASTER, SEEN HERE SHOWING
HE’S WILLING TO SIT DOWN WITH AMERICA’S ENEMIES. BECAUSE IT’S BEEN REPORTED THAT
TRUMP BEGAN CALLING H.R. McMASTER LAST YEAR, TO SAY
HE MISSES HIM.( LAUGHTER )
(AS TRUMP) “IT’S BEEN SO DIFFERENT SINCE
YOU LEFT. NOW WHEN THEY SAY, ‘H.R. WANTS
TO TALK TO YOU,’ IT’S FOR MUCH WORSE REASONS.”( LAUGHTER )
AFTER DISPATCHING BOLTON TO THE WHITE HOUSE BONEYARD, TRUMP
ADDRESSED THE CONFERENCE OF HISTORICALLY BLACK COLLEGES AND
UNIVERSITIES. I DID NOTE SEE THAT ONE COMING. HE GAVE A MOSTLY ON-PROMPTER
ADDRESS, EXCEPT FOR A FEW UNSCHEDULED MOUTH DETOURS.>>YOU HAVE NEVER STOPPED
WORKING TO IMPROVE THIS COUNTRY– AND YOU– DER– THE
GOVERNMENT. YOU HAVE TO JUST KEEP GOING.>>Stephen: I THINK HIS BRAIN
JUST TRIED TO HIT THE BRAKES THEN SPUN OUT ON A
PATCH OF ICE. (AS TRUMP)
“YOU HAVE DONE SO MUCH FOR THHIISS DERRRAAAAUUURRRR…( LAUGHTER )
HAAAH… BRRR– JUST KEEP GOING. THEY’LL NEVER KNOW YOU
SNEEEERRRROURRRRAMMMM.” THEN TRUMP BAILED OUT HIS
SINKING CANOE, AND TOLD THOSE IN ATTENDANCE TO KEEP THEIR FEET ON
THE GROUND AND REACH FOR THE LOWEST STARS THEY CAN.>>NASA IS EXPANDING OUTREACH TO
H.B.C.U. STUDENTS WHO WANT TO BECOME SCIENTISTS, ENGINEERS,
AND EVEN ASTRONAUTS. I DON’T KNOW ABOUT THE
ASTRONAUT. I DON’T WANT TO BE AN ASTRONAUT. HOW ABOUT YOU? DOES ANYBODY WANT TO BE AN
ASTRONAUT?>>Stephen: WHAT KIND OF
PRESIDENT ARE YOU?( LAUGHTER )
WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT! FOR PETE’S SAKE, BEING AN
ASTRONAUT IS THE STEREOTYPICALLY AMERICAN
ASPIRATION FOR GREATNESS. YOU DON’T WANT TO BE AN
ASTRONAUT? OH, I’M SORRY. YOU’D RATHER BE A COSMONAUT. I FORGOT. TRUMP THEN–
( APPLAUSE )
I FORGOT. I FORGOT.( LAUGHTER )
TRUMP THEN TOOK TIME TO RECOGNIZE SOME FOLKS IN THE ROOM
AND SOME THAT WERE NOT IN THE ROOM.>>I ALSO WANT TO RECOGNIZE OUR
TERRIFIC EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR OF THE WHITE HOUSE’S H.B.C.U.’S
INITIATIVE, JONATHAN HOLIFIELD. WHERE IS JONATHAN.( APPLAUSE )
AND I WANT TO TELL YOU, EVANDER HOLYFIELD IS A FRIEND OF MINE,
AND HE COULD FIGHT. YOU ALWAYS KNEW WHEN YOU WENT IN
THE RING WITH EVANDER, HE MAY BE 50 POUNDS LIGHTER, BUT YOU KNEW
IT WAS GOING TO BE A TOUGH NIGHT OUT THERE FOR YOU.>>Stephen: (AS TRUMP)
“HOLYFIELD GOT HIS EAR BITTEN BY MIKE TYSON. AND I TELL YOU, I KNOW TYSON
CHICKEN NUGGETS VERY WELL, THEY’RE DELICIOUS. WHICH REMINDS ME OF THE DENVER
NUGGETS. AND, OF COURSE, I HAPPEN TO KNOW
JOHN DENVER. HE WROTE ‘ROCKY MOUNTAIN HIGH’
AND I BET A LOT OF YOU OUT THERE WATCHING ME FREE-ASSOCIATE FEEL
LIKE YOU’RE HIGH RIGHT NOW.” TRUMP–
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
TRUMP ENVISIONED A FUTURE WHEN
SOME OF THE STUDENTS IN FRONT OF HIM MIGHT BECOME PRESIDENT.>>YOU ARE ALL GOING TO MAKE
BETTER DEALS THAN THAT. YOU HAVE TO PROMISE ME WHEN
YOU’RE UP HERE SOMEDAY– ONE OF YOU OR TWO OF YOU OR THREE OF
YOU– AT DIFFERENT TIMES, OF COURSE. YOU’LL BE UP HERE.>>Stephen: (AS TRUMP)
“AND WHETHER ONE, TWO, OR THREE OF YOU MAKE IT TO THIS
INCREDIBLE SEAT OF POWER, I PROMISE TO SPREAD RUMORS THAT
ALL OF YOU WERE BORN IN KENYA.” THAT’S MY PROMISE.

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48 thoughts on “A Stupid President Saves Us From A Smart Warmonger

  1. As a non-American I am constantly surprised by the willingness of the Republican party to support Trump who is clearly a dangerous senile demented and a very unsavoury individual and by the apparent impotence of the Democratic party to do anything about it. We hear lots of fine talk from the Democrats but we see very little action. The only conclusion that I can arrive to is that US politicians feed from the same trough and are unwilling to upset the "status quo" too much.

  2. So now that triangle head Bolton is out, does that mean you warmongering yanks are going to pull your heads in, apologise, reinstate the nuclear deal and stop trying to provoke a war with Iran? A war the rest of your ex allies do NOT agree with

  3. Treat others the way you want to be treated. I hope your children’s children know how you treat others.

    A stupid show host lies to the world about what really goes on because he’s mentally unstable.

  4. This really is like the apprentice. Firing non stop, and idiot in charge, calling himself a dictator, and wanting to start a race war (seriously, that happened).

  5. So now that trump is locked and loaded on Iran, who I doubt was involved, looking like a war coming, does the USA even have a national security adviser? Oh yeah trump is his own adviser.

  6. You are hilarious Stephen Colbert!

    If i was invited on to your show i would say yes in a heartbeat.

    Coming to America today as it happens, to learn some royal tea drinking etiquette bullshit amongst other things.

    Here for 7 days only. If you think i would make a good guest get in touch.

    I don’t have an agent because they slow things down and take a cut for no fucking reason. I have a voice and opposable thumbs, so why the fuck do i need an agent 🤷🏻‍♂️

    You can reply on here or DM me on my Instagram @PureProgression if you want me on the show

    You are changing the world for the better by using comedy and a huge set of balls 🤙🏼

  7. The president sought to nuke a hurricane, Jeffrey Epstein, invited terrorists to Camp David for peace talks 5 days before 9/11, and now sets to back-up a war in Iran for Big Oil on the behalf of Saudi Arabia who killed one of our journalists- all this in 1 month. He's set for re-election next year. What a bought-and-sold imbecile.

  8. Trump says If it was up to John we’d be in 4 wars. If Obama was president we’d be at war. If Hilary was president we’d be at war. Guaranteed before this moron leaves office we’re gonna be at war.

  9. Thanks The Late Show with Stephen Colbert.😊 "…A Steinbeck Reference…" The dawning of Colbert University seems only a matter of time?😁

  10. Holy Shit Batman. Drumpf is losing it. You are watching a sitting president slowly degrading in to a pile of mush. His brain, what's left of it, is dissipating every time he speaks. It's like a brain made of sugar dissolve in an ocean of water.

  11. Bolton wasn't radically extreme enough for trump. no coincidence that bolton is fired while Trump is waiting for Saudi Arabia to tell him how to react.

  12. Colbert when are you idiot wannabe comedians going to come up with some new material. Your comedy is weaker than the Democratic candidates' campaigns. I wish we had Letterman back. You SUCK! You talk show hosts are like the socialists in the campaign. You all say the same garbage but put a different spin on it.

  13. It's odd that anyone I know with little to almost no actual intelligence seem to like Trump or don't see any problems
    One of which actually said I'm not very smart and don't know much of politics but I know I like Trump

    Like what?

  14. Best show ever…@Duncan Wabuti TV Channel, on YouTube. Search the Channel to view rib cracking comedy of all time. Thanks in advance……

  15. Oh my God finally can we lock Trump up he needs to be locked up and impeach that's what he needs to do everybody in the whole United States should back up speaker Pelosi for impeachment after they impeach him they need to file charges Criminal so he can go to jail with the rest of his gang members everybody should go down just like Puerto Rico catched the president over there and everybody and Bob doing criminal Acts we as American should also find this man Trump guilty of criminal crimes including with his games that's in jail right now and the rest of them should go down as well we the people should stick together like we did in Puerto Rico everybody should be in front of that president's house and in the courtrooms marching for him to be impeach let's all save our country Together As Americans we can do it let's get this corrupted president out of the White House and behind bars where you deserve to be join us in this March everybody we are American this is our country not Hayes God Bless America

  16. List all America's stick together and lockup this President take him out the White House we can do it this is our White House let's all March so we can get him out of there as well of all his teams that are corrupted let's March like Puerto Rico debt we can do it we are America's come on join together let's all do it we are Americans all my Americans people are my family let's all stick together join us together we can get him out of the White House and put behind bars Let's go people list of marching now

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