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Marville #5 – Atop the Fourth Wall


[THUD!] Pollo: Um… Give us a second here, people. It’s Marville time again… ♪ [“Atop the Fourth Wall” intro] ♪ ♪ Welcome to Atop the Fourth Wall,
Where bad comics burn ♪ ♪ Linkara’s gonna teach you all
A lesson you won’t learn ♪ ♪ Brodsky, you’re not the smartest ♪ ♪ Liefeld, you’re not an artist ♪ ♪ Anyone who’s had a bad comic published,
It could be your turn ♪ ♪ Linkara! ♪ ♪ He is a man! Punch!
Wears a purdy hat ♪ ♪ Linkara! ♪ ♪ He has a magic gun!
Where’d he purchase that? ♪ ♪ Linkara! ♪ ♪ Coins, robots, Amazons and trucks ♪ ♪ Linkara! ♪ ♪ This! Comic! Sucks! ♪ ♪ Linkaraaaaa! ♪♪ ♪ [“Everything You Know Is Wrong” by Weird Al Yankovic] ♪ Linkara: Ohh… Well….. We’re almost through Marville. You know what? Not worth it! [breathless laugh] Ohhhh, I’ve used up my alcohol budget for the next three years because of this comic! And it STILL doesn’t feel like it was enough! When we last left off, we discovered that duck-billed dinosaurs could talk, and that Bill Jemas believes in myths about humanity
that have been disproven several times over the years, including the “we only use 10% of our brains” myth, and the “humans are the only creatures that kill members of their own species” garbage. Although, to be fair, if you had to read a continuous series featuring Al, Mickey, and Lucy, you would be pretty used to homicidal rages. We also learned that apparently we blow up the Earth or something if we were smarter. Also, dinosaurs died out because their spines didn’t let them be warm enough, even though evidence suggests that a lot of dinosaurs were actually warm-blooded creatures. He also claimed that mammals have a rigid, inflexible spine that somehow keeps them warm. Bill Jemas must believe that cats are mythical creatures of legend. I’m sure there was a point to all this, but the only thing I took from it was that Al was an idiot who didn’t know that dinosaurs died off. And the only person dumber than Al was Bill Jemas when he was writing this nonsense and expecting us to take it seriously. Ho, but we’re almost done, my friends! And if you thought the last issue was as bad as it got… Ha ha… Well, remember how that issue ended. Let’s dig into Marville #5! Our cover is a naked woman lying on a reflective surface. Would you expect anything less from this thing? Ho, but now it thinks it’s still being a parody, because under “Marville”, it says “ORIGINVILLE”! GET IT??? Just like that comic Wolverine: Origins? And this comic features Wolverine prominently?? And that it’s OriginVILLE instead of OriginS??? Do you get it?!?! DO YOU GET IT?!?!?! IT’S FUNNY!!!! LAUGH!!!!! LAUGH, DAMN YOU!!!!!!! And then stop laughing, because it isn’t funny. You know, I think I may have had a few brain aneurysms while I’ve been reading this. Anyhoo, she’s also holding one of Wolverine’s claws,
just in case we didn’t get it. I mean, nothing else on the cover really has to do with Wolverine, so thank God that claw was there, or else I’d be confused! So, let’s see how they screwed up the recap this time, shall we? “Al drove his dad’s time machine back in time from 5002 to 2002.” What, don’t you wanna bring up that his parents were Ted Turner and Jane Fonda anymore? Or perhaps you’re just afraid of lawsuits from Ted Turner’s five ACTUAL children! Or perhaps bringing up Ted Turner and Jane Fonda in this was just idiotic to begin with. “He makes friends with Mickey and Lucy, and makes a ton of money in the crime-fighting business.” Well, more like the crime-STUMBLING business, since usually, it was the same guy who just kept tripping over and over, and then the Kingpin, they just kinda wandered into. “Al is rich and famous, but he’s far from happy.” Well, that’s because if he IS “famous”, it’s for being a colossal dumbass. “In search of God and the meaning of life,” “Al, Lucy, and Mickey take the time machine back to the moment of creation where they meet Jack.” “(who may or may not be God)” But he is definitely a nudist, considering he keeps stripping off his clothes. “They all ride the time machine thr–” uh, “THOUGH”, Erm, that’s supposed to be “through”, not “though”. But, this IS Marville; I should be happy they’re even able to form proper sentences. “They all ride the time machine” THROUGH “millions of years of creation, and wind up here,” “in the company of the first human being – you can call him Wolverine.” Now, some of you are probably looking back on issue 4, and now today’s comic, and thinking to yourselves: “Maybe this is ALL still a parody comic!” “I mean… Bill Jemas can’t be serious when it comes to…” “WOLVERINE being the first human being, and evolving from an OTTER, right?” Ha ha ha….. Yeah, no, he’s completely serious. I’m skipping ahead slightly, but at the end of issue 6 of Marville, he plainly states that he is absolutely fricking serious about his ideas presented in this comic, about how he thinks God, the universe, and human beings work. I’ll save some of the fun there for when we actually get to that issue, but yeah. Make no mistakes… This is not a parody. We are gazing into the depths of insanity. Anyway, let’s get into the “story” proper. We open at 100,000 BC, with the time machine sitting in the middle of a forest. Aaaand right away, science gets punched in the face with that timestamp, since human civilization is estimated to have been around for at LEAST 200,000 years, and in fact, there are remains that’ve been found in the Middle Awash region of Ethiopia from 160,000 years ago! Not 100,000! Hey, Bill Jemas? DON’T TAKE SCIENCE LESSONS FROM THE FIRST EPISODE OF DOCTOR WHO!!! Hell, with the 100,000 BC timestamp, and the time machine in the first panel, it DOES kinda look like the ending shot of the first episode of Doctor Who! That’s not a tribute, that’s an insult! Doctor Who understands science better than Marville, and remember that Doctor Who was the show that thinks gamma rays are the same thing as lightning! Point is: NO!!!!! Wolverine here is NOT the first human being, and we did NOT EVOLVE FROM OTTERS!!! Dear Lord, do you realize we have not even started this comic yet??? [groans sadly] “Hey, aren’t you Wolverine?” “First human? I thought you were supposed to be a mutant.” “That’s right, bub.” Okay, 1) This guy barely looks like Wolverine. They’ve got the same hair color, but he doesn’t have the same hairSTYLE, Wolverine usually wears a mask when doing his stuff, anyway, and probably the most important thing of all: WOLVERINE IS NOT AN OTTER!!! “Let me get this straight.” Oh, why start now? “Are you an X-Man or an–” “He’s an ex-otter. He’s the first animal to mutate into a human” Okay, 1) No! 2) GOD no!! 3) That was a terrible pun! 4) NO! NO!! NO!!! 5) What the hell was Mickey trying to say before Lucy interrupted? He’s an X-Man or… WHAT?? An Avenger? An X-Force? What was your question, Mickey?! Aaaand Wolverine runs out of the time machine,
and we see that he has a loincloth on. Where the hell did he get that?! Or does the time machine have some kind of clothes dispenser in it? Would explain where Al got his jacket from last issue… Mickey asks where he’s going, and he just says “Out, man.” “Spoken like the first teenager.” Teenager? What?? “Where’s he going?” “He’s a teenage boy!” WHAT?!?! NO HE ISN’T!! LOOK AT HIM!!! He’s drawn exactly the same as the rest of the adults,
and has the standard superhero muscular structure! Hell, for a teenager, he’s got a bit of a receding hairline there! “He’s either hungry or….. horny.” Aaand we see four cavegirls running up, also in loincloth attire, while chasing after a buck. I would question why modesty is important to cavemen, but whatever. And just to emphasize the crappy sequential art combined with the awful puns, I was confused at first, because Wolverine isn’t in this last panel, implying that he TRANSFORMED INTO THE BUCK! And frankly, with the way this comic seems to THINK evolution works, would any of you be surprised if he DID transmogrify like that? Lucy wonders who they all are, and Jack says that they’re teenage Neanderthal girls, which are then, in turn, joined by a bunch of guys, too. They all attack the buck and corner it, though it manages to knock a guy over its head. “They are no match for that monster.” “MONSTER”?! It’s a BUCK! Or does Lucy think that Bambi was a horror movie? “They should give up.” “No chance; they haven’t eaten anything but berries in three days.” (sarcastic, yet confused): OH, NO! Y’know, for teenage cavemen who subsist mostly on berries, they look like they’re in pretty damn good shape. I’d also question how they speak English, but I threw up my hands last time with the talking dinosaurs. Anyway, Wolverine manages to club the buck in the head and kill it. “I am the best there is at what I do.” “Dropping catchphrases!” “What do you mean by that?” “Nothing.” “You mean killing. You mean you are the best killer.” If that’s the case, could you kill me? Or better yet, kill them! Please kill them! Actually, what am I saying? With this book, they’d die horrible, painful deaths, and they’d STILL be talking about how much it sucks that microbes have to die! So they start eating the raw deer meat – yeah, that’ll do wonders for the washboard abs, I’m sure. –and Al comments that he always thought Neanderthals and humans would be enemies. “Wanna know what’s even stranger?” “Yeah?” Enrico (from Resident Evil): Yeah? “Don’t make fun of me!” Too late. “They are all kinda… you know, not pretty, but what’s the right word?” “Attractive.” “Good call. Attractive, literally.” “Not about their physical beauty; about some kinda basic physical attraction to them.” “That’s a natural reaction, and it’s exactly what your ancestors felt.” Dr. Cox: This is the dumbest conversation I’ve ever heard. Al thinks that’s weird, but Jack says that it’s not weird at all, and He’ll explain. “It’s a long story, but it isn’t the kind you can just tell.” I think that’s just code for “you suck at telling stories”. Jack said He had to bring them to the dawn of mankind and the end of the Neanderthal, and they had to sit among them and feel the “natural bond between the species”. We’ll get back to that in a second, but we need some more stupid dialogue first. Jack says He needed to SHOW them, instead of TELL them about it, otherwise… “You would have understood it and labeled it something like
‘another attempt to blend creationism and evolution’.” Ummm… what? No. It’s because HAVING experiences is always better than being RELAYED experiences through communication! Where the hell did THAT come from?! “But because you’re showing me, I don’t just understand, I BELIEVE!” “BELIEVE”?! You’re EXPERIENCING IT!! That’s not “BELIEF”! It’s HAPPENING! It’s FACT! NOW!!! W-Well, I don’t mean ACTUAL fact, because this comic is so… full of half-truths and lies, so– maybe it’s… just….. refer– SHUT YOUR NOISEHOLE!!! “You get it, fangirl.” “Fangirl”? What?? I feel like we’re missing parts of this conversation! “Words alone are about understanding the proposition.
Words and pictures are about believing the truth.” “So you are saying that the only true path to truth is reading comic books?” “That’s pretty much the word of God.” Um, by that logic, wouldn’t silent films actually be the real path to truth? They’re images IN MOTION combined with words! Either way, as much as I love comic books, if there’s actual truth to something, the medium is irrelevant, as long as the message is conveyed! You’re just being a snob! Or do ya really wanna tell me that All Star Batman & Robin contains more truths about the world, than the Bible or any other religious texts, just because ASBAR has words AND pictures?! Or do I require a PICTURE Bible before I learn the truth?! Jack instructs Al to start moving the time machine forward in small time increments, so they can watch the Neanderthal tribe. Apparently, over the course of 28 years, they don’t actually move from that one spot. And I would remind you all that since the time machine doesn’t move, they’re still in New York, which is UTTER BULLCRAP! Since the earliest human civilization that we know of came from Africa! And seeing all these panels of the cavemen, it raises ANOTHER important question: Seto Kaiba (from Yu-Gi-Oh! Abridged):
Why are they white? Abridged Yami: What? Abridged Seto Kaiba: They’re ancient cavemen living in Africa. Why are they white? Abridged Yami: Kaiba, stop activating the Race Card and listen: It’s just Marville. Linkara: Anyway, apparently Wolverine had lots of children in the caveman society. “Those kids are so cute! Are they all Wolverine’s children?” “That’s right.” “I don’t see any human women.” Are you sure? Because the Neanderthals and the other humans are drawn
exactly the same way with this half-assed artwork, so… it’s possible that they’re there. “Who are the mothers?” “You’re looking at them.” “Neanderthals?! Impossible!” Honestly, I have no idea about the relationship between Neanderthals and other humans living at the time, so I don’t know how accurate this is. I did read briefly that there’s genetic evidence that Neanderthals
did interbreed with other humans at the time, but I’m not the guy to talk to, and chances are this comic screwed stuff up anyway. No, let’s focus on the other idiocy that Mickey has for us! “Humans and Neanderthals are different species, right?” “Obviously.” Actually, Neanderthals are classified either as a subspecies of Homo sapiens, or in some cases, a separate species in the same genus. It’s not like we’re talking about the difference between a fish and a cow here. “Well, two different species cannot mate and have fertile offspring.” “Obviously, they can.” “No, they can’t! That’s a scientific FACT!” [Ding-dong! A lion!] [Ding-dong! A tiger!] [Ding-dong! A liger!] [Ding-dong! A dumbass comic!] “I know the THEORY, Mickey, but these folks are proving the scientists wrong!” WOULD YOU STOP TRYING TO LECTURE US ABOUT SCIENCE, AS IF YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT THE HELL YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT?!?!?! “The problem with scientists is that they’re just not very scientific.” Dr. Linksano: 🖕 “No living scientist has ever witnessed evolution.” “They have glimpsed at a few hundred years in time,” “and guess that their findings apply to the entire history of life on Earth.” Yeah, we only have a glimpse at a few hundred years of our history. All those dinosaur bones, or the remains that show how a few species have managed to remain unaltered for millions of years, or were previously thought extinct? All are just a measly few centuries. I would set this comic on fire right now, if I wasn’t afraid that I would BREATHE IN THE FUMES and grow DUMBER as a result! We’ll be right back, ya Slifer Slackers! And now we’re back. I love this outfit. Jack spits out some more idiocy about not letting two different species mate, because otherwise, there wouldn’t be orderly evolution– W-Wait, I’m confused. Is this thing in favor of evolution or not?? When they speculate about how the Neanderthals died out,
Jack starts glowing and floating above them for no reason. “Worry about how you cling to the Darwinian myth,
regardless of how little sense it makes!” What part of it doesn’t make sense?? Make up your mind about what the hell you’re trying to preach here!! “Think about the genetic fail-safes that prevent two different species from having fertile children.” “Genetic fail-safes”?? You mean “the fact that their biology is incompatible”?! That’s not a fail-safe, it’s just COMMON FRIGGIN’ SENSE!! Oh, man! My screwdriver is incompatible with my headache pills! Clearly, God programmed them so they would not be able to breed together and have Phillips-head gel caps! [pills shake] “It took God 200 million years to figure out the DNA code for that sequence.” “It would fill three telephone books!” “You think that happened by random mutation followed by a struggle for survival?” “What are you, a moron?!” Takes one to know one. He tells everyone to get back to the time machine, and gets pissed off at them because they’re not “getting it”. Perhaps it’s because the people you chose to impart this to are all morons. And then suddenly, when Mickey talks back to Him,
He’s all smiles and “Heeey, it’s all good!” Mood swing much there, Jack? And he decides to tell them what the real point of all this is! You ready? Because this is a treat! “You and Al and Lucy are all rich and famous in your time.” “And in your time, the world is heading toward an all-out war.” “If the three of you can understand the roots of war,
maybe you can work to prevent World War III.” Yup! The entire point of all of this is that Al, Lucy and Mickey are going to stop World War III! I repeat: AL, LUCY, and MICKEY….. …are going to stop World War III! Unless it turns out that they are the greatest rock band in the history of the world, and it unites Earth in peace and harmony… it’s clear that with THESE nimrods at the wheel,
we can pretty much kiss our asses goodbye! And now it really gets… “good”. I like to think that the artist just got bored drawing this,
because the next panel is just text! Like with issue 3 when it was the text over the pictures,
only now it’s just a big sky-blue box with dialogue! Or maybe it’s because this whole thing is really damn wordy,
and there’s no way they could fit all this crap into the pages. “After millions of years of genetic diversification,” “the perfectly matched male and female Neanderthal partners
got together and produced the first human son: Wolverine.” Nooo, some DICKHEADS picked up an otter from the Jurassic period, and it EVOLVED into Wolverine! YOU CAN’T CONDRADICT THINGS YA WROTE INTO YOUR OWN DAMN STORY!!! Jack brings up the classic “Which came first: the chicken or the egg?” question, and Mickey says that the answer is that the mother chicken was a whole different species. “So humans were raised by animals. Like, Tarzan isn’t a fantasy, it’s a memory!” Dr. Cox: I need a moment of silence so I can get into a meditative state where I block out any and all irritating white noise. I call it… my happy place. Oh, and there are TWO panels like this!
They couldn’t contain all this idiocy in one! Next, they state that Wolverine’s DNA was disseminated throughout humanity, and that evolutionary enhancement can only come if we diversify from Wolverine’s original human genes. And the best way to do that is by mixing and matching millions of gene patterns from the species. Wait a second, that’s….. THAT’S THE PREMISE OF THE NEW GUARDIANS!!!!! Yeah!! Passing on “superior genetic traits” through lots of diversification! AKA: HAVING LOTS OF SEX AND BREEDING!!! Guess what? It was asinine there, and it’s asinine here! Gaaaaahhh!! They push ahead another 50,000 years and step out of the time machine into the village of the cavemen, who now live in huts for some reason. “This is amazing!” “A real prehistoric village!” YOU SAW IT ALREADY FIVE FRIGGIN’ MINUTES AGO!!! They meet up with a caveman who I THOUGHT was Wolverine, since they’re drawn exactly the same, but it’s actually a guy named Frock who’s having problems with his kids. One is helpful and contributing, and the other is an asshole. Jack says that it sucks that parents have to fight with their kids, but they need that in order to force the kids to go off on their own, and diversify the gene pool. Um… or they fight with them as teenagers, and… then they get older and better and they mature! This is yet again Bill Jemas speaking in absolutes as if this is the only set of options available! “That’s not what we learned in anthropology.” “Anthropologists are people who never got jobs.” Aaaaand any of my viewers who happen to be anthropologists,
know any anthropologists, or study it as a hobby, you may feel free to flip the bird at the screen right now! Don’t worry. I know who it’s meant for. 🖕🖕🏻🖕🏼🖕🏾 “The key is testosterone. You need all that testosterone to keep them moving, to keep mixing up the gene pool.” “So testosterone is God’s vector.” Well, that makes “God is my co-pilot” take on a whole new meaning. So as they get ready to see a village meeting, Al decides to say something stupid. I’ll give you a moment to recover from your surprise at this. He says that the idea of fathers arguing with their sons is the TRUE meaning of Spider-Man! That it isn’t “With great power comes great responsibility”, it’s that Peter Parker never got a chance to make up with Uncle Ben after the argument he had with him. And you gotta love how Bill Jemas didn’t know a damn thing about the company HE WAS VICE-PRESIDENT OF, since that’s a REVISIONIST version of the story, particularly for the MOVIE! Since in the ORIGINAL comic, Peter’s relationship with Uncle Ben WAS CARTOONISHLY PERFECT!!!!! Oh, and it turns out Wolverine IS immortal, since he’s still a part of the tribe 50,000 years later. Oh, what fresh Hell is this? “Is he immortal?” “I get it! He is immortal, but not because of the healing factor – that’s just a metaphor.” “He’s immortal because he was the first human, and his basic genetic code lives in all of us.” Cyberman: Tʜᴇʀᴇ ɪs… ʟᴏɢɪᴄ… ɪɴ ᴡʜᴀᴛ ʜᴇ sᴀʏs. So, here’s the question we’ve been tiptoeing around this entire time: Does Bill Jemas not know the difference between fantasy and reality? Because he keeps proselytizing in this book about how Wolverine is responsible for all of us? Does he not know what “fiction” is? D-Does he think that all the Marvel superheroes are real? I mean, even for a metaphor, he just stated that the dude is immortal because he was the “first one”. Does he think that the Wolverine or whatever is still walking around today? I mean, that only makes sense if you go by Babylon 5’s logic for the First Ones! And again, that’s fiction! You know? Not real? Make-believe? Oh, and let’s add some more gravy on the
“Bill Jemas doesn’t know anything about the company he was running”. They continue to talk about Wolverine’s beginnings here. “All that X-Men stuff came later. That’s not about THIS Wolverine.” “This is the first appearance of Wolverine, when he was roaming the wilderness” Hey, Billy-Boy? That comic name you were parodying? Wolverine: Origins? That was a comic that was detailing the actual backstory of Wolverine, including his childhood. Spoiler Warning: HE WASN’T A FRIGGIN’ CAVEMAN EVOLVED FROM AN OTTER!!!!! So what’s the meeting all about? Wolverine wants to start a war with a neighboring tribe over very basic reasons, like: “They threw rocks at us and are jerks!” Yeah. Wolverine also has multiple wives, the main one of which argues against the war, and for some reason, she is wearing JEWELRY, despite this being a Stone Age civilization with limited tool use, and no capability of producing earrings. And now it’s time for: “Cavalcade of Reasoning for War”! Wherein they consult multiple people for different reasons why they should go to war. We’ve already seen “because they’re assholes”, but next up is the village elder, who says the land that the other tribe has belonged to them before. The wife points out they’re nomadic and have pretty much lived all over and no one spot is theirs, and there’s better land up the river, anyway. And then there’s the medicine man, who says the other tribe has “evil spirits”, thus bringing in the religious reasons for war. Well, congratulations! They’ve figured out the origins of war, and thus they can stop World War III or whatever. Comic over?? PLEASE???? (sobbing): Please just let it be over-r-r-rrr!!! Aaand then they actually go to fight, with our protagonists watching and partying, and most of the fighting is just them giving each other wedgies or kicking each other in the crotch. Oh, and the women are cheerleading, thus, “ancient cheerleaders”. “Don’t tell me these guys are fighting to impress the cheerleaders!” “What could be more impressive?” Ohh….. Watchmen, pizza deliveries in 30 minutes or less, disposable cameras, fast food drive-thrus, cellular telephones, Godzilla movies, Beanie Babies, digital watches, my DVD on sale now, Mr. T, parkour enthusiasts, cancer researchers, Stephen Sondheim, the miracle that is everyday existence, and the second, third, fourth, sixth and eighth Star Trek movies. There’s more, but I think that covers a WIDE range of things in particular that are more impressive. And so, the point of all this is that war is just a big game to them. They don’t kill each other, they just beat each other up, and no one really gets hurt. Then the asshole village elder and medicine man arrive, and say they have to have another war, and Wolverine’s wife says they just wanna meet new girls in another tribe, because they never got to get laid. So Wolverine puts it up for democratic vote, and he wins! “And that was the first and last time the world had world peace.” “What happened?” “Peace stopped winning the votes.” “What happened?” “Religion happened. Patriotism happened. Voting stopped happening. ” Well, thank you for that gross oversimplification and inaccurate look at the world and human beings. I hope you step on a Lego brick in the middle of the night. Lucy wants to know more, and it’s time for some GOOD OL’ stupidity for the last four pages, with LOTS of text jammed in to try to get the point across. In particular, drawing religious symbolism, and how Jesus died for peace, and everyone takes advantage of the message in order to be assholes to each other, and apparently if people just decided NOT to fight each other, people could have lots of sex. I don’t even know where to begin. Who believes this kinda garbage?! Superman (in Superman IV: The Quest for Peace):
And there will be peace – there will be peace when the people of the world… want it so badly….. that their governments will have no choice but to give it to them. No. No, that’s close, but… not quite the same thing. And still not as stupid. Anyway, it’s time for the big message. Al says that he was right before, that with great power DOES come great responsibility, and it’s all about sacrifices. “Real heroes make sacrifices and devote themselves to their fellow man.” Well, thank you for wasting THREE FRICKING COMICS on that question, when I could’ve said that to you
WITHOUT all the HORRIBLY INACCURATE SCIENCE and PSEUDO-PHILOSOPHIZING!!! Jack asks Lucy if she gets it, and she says her original concept of creation was right. That God planned evolution, and mapped out genetic codes. Sooo you’ve learned nothing and changed nothing. Two out of three have been a waste of time. And what does Mickey get? That all the thousands of people who go into the creation of any single object in the world, are incomparable to a being that could create DNA. Aaand that’s not a conclusion; that’s repeating a logic that many people have for holding a belief in God. Which Mickey has stated multiple times before that she did NOT believe in God, so WHAT THE HELL?! Three for three! This whole thing has been pointless! Crow T. Robot: We hope you’ve enjoyed “No Moral Theater”, ladies and gentlemen. And so issue 5 ends with a white box with “FAITH” written in it in friendly letters, and Jack’s words: “God is the part of the ant that carries food home.” “God is the part of you that works for a greater good.” “You can know what’s the truth and not understand it…
just by feeling God within you.” And to bring this all back around to Ted Turner… “The power is yours!” THIS COMIC SSSUUUUUCKSS!!!!!! WHAT WAS THE POINT OF THIS?!?!?! DUDE, JEMAS, if you wanted to explore your feelings about God, GET A FRICKIN’ BLOG!!!! DON’T MAKE US WASTE OUR TIME AND MONEY ON YOU TRYING TO TELL US… THAT WOLVERINE WAS THE FIRST HUMAN BEING, AND “Can’t we all just get along and HAVE SEX?!?!?!” But of course, there is still one – technically two – issues of Marville remaining. Some may disagree with me and say that it’s not the worst. That this was as bad as it got, and that there’s really no need to cover it considering its subject matter. But in my humble opinion….. The ultimate waste is still to come, when we DO get to Marville #6. In the meantime, I am just gonna drink myself into a religious experience, and trust me, that if that does happen… I won’t charge ya $3 to hear about it! [thwap!] ♪ [“Atop the Fourth Wall” outro] ♪ ♪ I’m sitting on my couch reviewing comics ♪ ♪ The worst ones that you will ever see ♪ ♪ It’s said….. that comic books are for geeks ♪ ♪ Well, they’re not! They’re for everybody! ♪ ♪ Linkaaaaara….. Linkaaaaara….. ♪ ♪ If you doubt that I am a man….. ♪ ♪ I….. am… AAAAA man! ♪ ♪ [outro song concludes] ♪ Ted (from Bill & Ted’s Bogus Journey):
Every rose has its thorn,
just like every night has its dawn. Linkara: And yet, this scene is infinitely more profound than Marville will ever be.

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100 thoughts on “Marville #5 – Atop the Fourth Wall

  1. What a weird way of packaging a religious comic about theistic evolution. I like how they put the nude redhead on the cover, though. Draws people into that godly message, I'm sure. smirk

  2. Did the writer of this comic suffer from a severe brain injury before the writing process began? I'm nowhere near a scientist, but even I could debunk this drivel.

  3. I’m more surprised we didn’t bump into Adam and Eve in this whole mess of lunacy. Maybe they got the script and kindly asked “thanks but uhhh we’re gonna go with those Ubisoft guys reinterpretation of history. Yours is just dumb. Like MEGA dumb.”

  4. Ugh, the species argument just makes me bang my head against a wall. Biologists are still arguing over what constitutes a separate species and that definition the comic used is just too damn simplistic, we're barely teaching it in Bio 101 anymore. A lot of life on earth reproduces asexually during at least one phase of their life, for example. As for another example, some dog breeds can't even mate with each other naturally but that doesn't make them separate species. Some species are similar enough that a particular set of parents can produce fertile offspring but not others (see the liger example, female ligers can produce offspring with lions or tigers but the male ligers are sterile) Thanks to genetics, the best we can say is that group X is genetically most similar to group Y and so on. As for neanderthals, they interbred with humans in the European subcontinent and they're not the only homo subspecies to interbreed with humans. At least two others found their way into our genomes.

    Oh, jeez, that 'we don't witness evolution.' Hey, dumbass, we have witnessed evolution. Whole species of butterflies shifted from white to black in color over several generations because ash began coating their favorite trees, turning them grey and black and making the white individuals stand out like sore thumbs. Human beings are evolving right now- our jaws are getting smaller and smaller and more and more individuals are being born without their wisdom teeth, to name a couple of small changes.

    So, yeah, this whole thing just makes me wish I was high.

  5. I get that the comic is supposed to be a 'parody' but shouldn't Al have superpowers or at least get them? God this really doesn't make any sense

  6. I'd call Bill Jemas 19th century in mindset, but even then they knew better and at least knew how HUMOR worked

  7. The definition of species here is actually correct. The key word being "fertile" offspring. There are possible exceptions to only being able to breed within a species, usually still within the same genus, but these are usually a) rare and b) infertile. Ligers and mules are common examples of this. Then again, there are other even more rare exceptions to this, so only using this definition of what a species is as a full definition is probably misleading. The rest is total horse crap though.

  8. I know it's years later, and if no one has noticed by now they're not really gonna care, but something at 24:49 caught my eye and I'm surprised Linkara didn't pick up on it.

    "Come to think of it the whole Wolverine legend ties in– his claws, his squat build, his heightened instincts. His 'Origin' was hidden from him, just like mankind's 'Origin' has been hidden from us _(until Jemas came along)_."

    Let's highlight that again: "UNTIL JEMAS CAME ALONG". Is this a note from the editor that forgot to be separated out? Or is Al aware of his writer and how he's meddling with history? Or is this simply proof that Jemas seriously believes that he is the arbiter of the TRUE nature and origin of humanity??? the presence of that aside honestly /baffles/ me.

  9. 14:16 If you want a picture bible I have a copy the book of Genesis in comic format with the artwork done by R. Crumb.

  10. I normally don't condone mass book burning as it tends to be an attempt to silence some kind of truth. But…in this case if every copy of Marville ever issued was burned I think that the entire human race would get smarter!

  11. "Different species can't mate and have fertile offspring"

    Sorry Linkara, she's right. The key is FERTILE offspring. A lion and tiger CAN mate to have a Liger, but the offspring they produce is not fertile. I can't believe I'm defending Marville, but they're right on that front.

  12. So i did some quick looking into the species thing
    "A species is defined as organisms that produce fertile offspring but this is sometimes limited as some organisms do not always reproduce sexually, and some hybrids are fertile."
    So it turns out the comic is mostly right about different species having infertile offspring when mating but there are exceptions to the rule. But if Linkara is right, which i think he is, that Neanderthals and humans are different subspecies of the same overall species then the fact about fertile offspring is not applicable.
    Source:
    http://www.bbc.co.uk/schools/gcsebitesize/science/edexcel/classification_inheritance/classificationrev5.shtml

  13. WE LITERALLY WATCH EVOLUTION IN BOTH ADAPTATION AND SPONTANEOUS MUTATION IN THE LAB! RICHARD LENSKI'S E COIL EXPERIMENT PROVES IT!

  14. So is this recent phenomenon of people who don't believe in gravity or that the planet is flat. Caused by this comic and its anti science stance.

  15. I hate it when people talk about Darwinian Evolution, and the existence of god as mutually exclusive. They're two different questions. Science tries answer the how, Religion tries to answer the Why.

  16. 23:20

    Show of hands, who isn't a anthropologist, doesn't know an anthropologist, or doesn't study anthology as a hobby, but just flipped the bird in general.

  17. I kept expecting Ms. Frizzle to show up and chew Jack out for providing an improper education to a group of impressionable youths.

  18. I would seriously like to know if there is anyone who actually still bought this whole series in its original run (not out of a quarter bin) despite how insane it got

  19. When encountering bad media, I try to figure out the reasoning behind the choices made; usually, I can figure out this reasoning. The only ones that have stumped me are Uwe Boll and Marville.

  20. As for humans and neanderthals interbreeding?
    That happened if I remember correctly hairy backs on men and lactose intolerance is something you can get from your Neanderthal ancestor.
    Fun fact: Homo erectus still lived when Neanderthals and Homo Sapiens lived… and they also interbred. So Modern Man is actually a mutt species of Sapiens/Erectus/Neanderthal.

  21. I wonder if anyone tried writing a comic book using a script generated by a computer? I'm willing to bet it would still be better than Marville; word salad vs. word regurgitation.

  22. 18:16 Here's the expanded scientific answer to why hybridization is blocked. I'm going to sound like my college biology professor, so bear with me:

    They don't interact with each other in nature at all
    They have different breeding patterns like different mating seasons
    Their mating rituals are different from the ones of other species
    Morphological differences. Vaginas and penises differ in terms of anatomy between species
    The sperm isn't able to pierce the egg

    Now onto why hybrids sometimes fail:

    Genes of one parent clash with genes of the other which impairs development and life expectancy
    Sterility from being a hybrid
    The hybrid just breaks down and dies

    This has been a dose of biology no one asked for.

  23. So, Bill Jemas actually co-authored Origin, the true origin story of Wolverine, with Joe Quesada and Paul Jenkins. I am wondering if he barely contributed along with Joe and that Paul Jenkins did pretty much everything.

  24. Actually, Ligers cannot have kids. What's-her-face said that they were compatible if they had fertile offspring. Ligers, usually, can't make their own kids. I'm sure there are exceptions, but that's how it is most of the time. Not trying to defend this piece of shit, but they were right about that.

  25. 16:40 And Linksano flipping off this one line is better comedy than the entirety of the series combined. And still more scientific than it too.

  26. 18:17 … yeah, if there are any "fail-safes" to prevent interbreeding species from having fertile children, they're not exactly fool-proof, because there have been occasions where the children WERE actually fertile and could reproduce with one of their parental species. Almost as if mutation and genetic development were a little random at points and easily jinxed by outside influences.

  27. 'Three for three, this whole thing has been pointless' So pretty much they won't stop ww3, and with these conclusions, they're more likely to START world war 3 because of how stupid their 'conclusions' are.

  28. 25:02 it is the healing factor that is keeping him alive,like seriously how can it be so stupid to not understand that his cells are reproduceing faster then they can die and so keeping him alive

  29. 17:18–17:26 Don't worry Linkara. I'll burn the comic for you and grab a gas mask to keep me from inhaling the fumes. In fact, I'll burn all these issues so no has to read this complete and utter nonsense.

  30. 13:33

    Oh my god now this comic is trying to ripoff UNBREAKABLE and M. Night saying that Comics are the true gateway to history. First of all, that was an assumption from a deranged supergenius looking for confirmation WHY he was born with a condition of super brittle bone structure. TWO even when they DID prove that MIGHT be the case, THE TRUTH THEY PICKED UP WAS SURROUNDING THE NOTION THE WORLD MIGHT HAVE SUPERHUMANS, NOT A WORD FOR WORD TELLING ON HOW CAPTAIN AMERICA AND SUPERMAN FOUGHT AN ENDLESS BATTLE WITH ADOLF HITLER!!!

    BILL JEMAS

    YOU

    DIE

    FORGOTTEN

    AND

    STUPID!!!!

  31. You know I heard that this comic is going to renamed to "Bill Jemas pulling facts out of his ass to look cool for comic book readers".

    Ok I didn't hear it,

    I made it up.

    You know like the "Scientific facts" this comic spews

  32. One of the things that I found interesting about the Web Comic "Adventures of God" is that it portrays God as a short sighted bald alcoholic who means well but can occasionally be petty and irrational. While this is mostly done for humor during one of the comics it's implied that God acts this way as a consequence of the massive pressures and stress that comes with being an all knowing and all powerful entity that decides who shall live and who shall die. It truly is a testament to how shitty that Marville is that a Comedy Webtoon that has a running joke about a religion that believes Jesus is a lizardman has more interesting philosophy.

  33. I accidentally let my kid read one of these books and now he’s 16 and he’s still trying to catch up with his 3rd grade class.

  34. So here's a contradiction for ya, Billy Boy.

    So you want people to have sex more than engage war. However, that will still involve testosterone, which has been associated with … aggression. Likewise, engaging in sex does involve its own sexual competition. Thus, engaging sex will inevitably lead to conflicts or … war!

  35. Twice I had to pause the video because I was laughing too hard to continue watching. And no offense linkara but neither of those times was due to your jokes. Best comic is a gold mine and also horrifying.

  36. 14:45
    Kaiba: Why are they White?
    Yami: What?
    Kaiba: They're ancient cavemen living in Africa, Why are they White?
    Yami: Kaiba stop activating the Race Card and listen, Its just marville.

  37. "It took God 200 million years to figure out…" The idea of God trying to figure out how to get a result and not being able to do it for millions of years is giving me a Crisis of Faith.

  38. My favourite part of this review:
    Kaiba: Why are they white?
    Yami Yugi: What?
    Kaiba: They're ancient cavemen living in Africa, why are they white?
    Yami Yugi: Kaiba, stop activating the race card and listen: it's just Marville.

  39. As a grandkid to 4 ww2 survivors, I can say that war is never fun and games. War is living on tree bark for weeks because you can't afford food. War is several older sibling and parents who had strangled their kids and siblings in an attempt to keep them quiet from Nazis, war is having a radio show 7 decades later, trying to locate friends and family you lost and not knowing if they're dead or alive.
    Bill Jemas can go Fuck himself with a cactus

  40. No, cats aren’t mythical creature of legend. They are demons from the deepest pits of hell. They are sent to do the devil’s work and when the time is right they will rise up and take over the world.

  41. Being honest here… this comic makes me laugh with how stupid the logic in this series is.
    It’d be hilarious if this was still the parody comic.

  42. Never mind booze! This series is enough to make anybody start shooting a cocktail of heroin, meth, cocaine and drain o!
    Now excuse me as I have to shoot up a cocktail of heroin, meth ,cocaine and drain o!

  43. Does this mean that Adam and Eve were Neanderthals that gave birth to an otter that evolved into Wolverine?

  44. Look on the bright side. You should now have a new alcohol budget again by this point in time cause its been over three years now.

  45. i never knew ligers existed, now i know and its wonderful, what is a scientific fact is that this comic is the devil's pitts

  46. I feel like "Dare To Be Stupid" would have been a better Weird Al song to use for the intro to this.

  47. I got a picture Bible if you want one. Though, I must warn you, the book of Ezekiel has some particularly fucked up imagery.

    >.>

  48. 25:55 Bill Jemas was actually one of the writers of Wolverine:Origin, along with Paul Jenkins
    and Joe Quesada, so he has to be joking….hopefully.

  49. I'm convinced that some crazed mental patient broke into a comic studio, wrote down his deranged ramblings, drew some pictures, and then ordered the studio to publish it at gunpoint.

  50. 16:06 – I was going to make a comment on ligers/tigons not being able to breed – buuuut apparently, the females of both hybrids can breed. Learn something new everyday.

    Even so, I do wonder if a mule wouldn't have been more thematically appropriate, even though they can't breed. 🙂

  51. Bill Jemas logic: "Wolverines are related to otters, therefore Wolverine evolved from an otter!"

    Neanderthals IN AMERICA! Prehistoric white people IN AMERICA! You know, I think even Bandit Keith would think not everything took place in America.

  52. And as a historical note? Athens? The founded of Mediterranean democracy? WAS ONE OF THE MOST WARLIKE STATES IN GREECE SECOND TO SPARTA! READ SOME FREAKING THUCYDIDES!

  53. Stan Lee is rolling over in his grave and I am left with a bad taste from the person who saved me from dyslexia being crapped on

  54. Linkara: you may feel free to flip the bird at the screen right now
    Me: my bird is in a casket because of too much flipping after watching this review

  55. 24:49 What Al says is even more bizarre, saying Wolverine is immortal because he's "legendary" (i.e. Famous). He also says Bill Jemas showed the readers the true origin of mankind (egotistical to say the least)

  56. Years later do I realize that this comic isn't just terrible crap non-sense but *creationist propaganda* BS. Its full of misinformation, strawmans, and jabs at evolution while trying to bolster Intelligent Design amongst other things.

  57. Uhhh, Linkara, you are correct about the comic writer being a dumbass, but the comic is actually correct about crossbred animals not being fertile. That liger you used as an example is not fertile, just like mules.

  58. Well
    Bad Scientists
    Princess Bubblegum
    Susan and Mary Test
    Gibson

    Good Scientists
    Senku
    Dr Reed Richard's
    Jimmy Neutron
    Curt Connors
    Dr Doom
    Doc from Back to the Future
    Ray Palmer
    Tony Stark
    Peter Parker
    Peter Vancmen
    Egon
    Sheldon Cooper
    Albert Einstein
    Steven Hawking

  59. Bill Jemas should use a Star Trek teleporter to transport this comic into his ass but have it malfunction so that his ass and this comic fuse into a disgusting hybrid, such that it is impossible to know where comic stops and ass begins.

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